Memory Haunts
by Blufirewing
Summary: Heero's memory of a little girl and her puppy come back to haunt him. As more memories of the war flood his mind, he begins to break. Can he be helped before it's too late. I do NOT own GW. Please R&R (WARNING contains mention of past rape)
1. Preface

I see her every time I close my eyes. Her round cheeks and her eyes with that accusing glare, her lips turned down in a frown.

She dropped the flower in her hand to the floor. It landed at her feet beside her puppy, who was growling menacingly at me.

Both of them were covered in blood and soot. She reaches her blood covered hand out to me and touches my throat.

I suddenly feel like I can't breathe but I can't make her hand to move.

"You killed us. It's your fault. You have to pay." She said in a bell like voice.

My eyes snapped open and I gasped for air. Such frightening words from the lips of a child.

I was suddenly aware of four sets of concerned eyes locked on me. We were all sitting in the living room. I guess I dozed off.

Duo reaches out to me. "You alright, buddy?" He asks. I sigh and shake my head.

"I'll be fine." I stood and went upstairs to my room, closing and locking the door behind me.

I sat on my bed and pulled out an old book. It was brown with leather binding and a hard cover. Inside were my thoughts. All from before, during and after the wars.

I opened up to the entry about the little girl. I let my fingers drift over the crinkled flower I had laminated to the page.

I killed that girl and her dog. It IS my fault. Something wet dripped from my chin to the protective casing over the flower.

Confused, I touched it and then my cheek. I was crying. I didn't think I could cry anymore. I'm not supposed to cry. I'm a boy, the perfect soldier... A murderer. But... Murderers don't feel guilt and remorse, do they?

I squeeze my eyes shut and pull the book tight to my chest. My shoulders shook as I finally just let the dam break. Tears flowed quickly down my face and I could hear my own broken sobs.


	2. Chapter 1

Loud explosions, screams, burning buildings, children crying, bodies and blood. So much blood. It was all flashing before my eyes so fast. Then I heard a voice. "Murderer." It whispered menacingly.

I jolted awake sweating and gasping for air. I clutched the fitted sheet in my fist and looked around my room.

The walls were painted white. I had an oak bedroom set. A dresser turned cattercorner at the front of the room as you walk in the door. Chest of drawers on the far right wall. My bed sat in the far left hand corner at the back of the room. Against the back wall closer to the right side of the room was my computer desk with my lap top in it. A nightstand stood next to my bed with a grey lamp on it that matched my bedsheets.

I looked down to the floor, the carpet is a light brown, and saw my comforter and sheet in a hemp there. "Must've tossed them off in my sleep." I muttered.

I stood up and padded across my room to the door which was dead center at the front of the room. Opening the door I peaked out to see if anyone was up.

Seeing no lights on, I walked downstairs and to the kitchen for a glass of water. I wasn't expecting them to be sitting around the table with just the stove light on.

They looked up at me as I came in. I blushed, hoping it was to dark for them to see the redness, as I realized I came down in only my boxers, having stripped down before I went to sleep.

"We thought you were asleep." Quatre said. I could see the worry in all of their eyes, even if they didn't outwardly show it.

"I woke up." I said simply and walked over to the cabinet and grabbed a glass. I filled it with cold water from the tap and drank it down in one drink.

I filled the glass again, took a small drink and turned to go back to my room.

"Heero.." I faced Duo who had called my name. "What's going on with you, 'Ro? And don't lie to us. It's so obvious."

I sighed. "I'm fine. I have to deal with it own my own." With that I went back to my room and didn't come out again.

*Duo's POV*

I woke the next morning and went downstairs to the kitchen after taking a leak. Everything seemed fine when I walked in. The guys were sitting around the table, waiting on me as usual.

I sat down in my chair, made a cross against my chest and prayed before I began to dig in.

That's when I noticed Heero wasn't really eating. He was starring with wide eyes at his plate. A hand suddenly clamped over his mouth as he jetted up the stairs.

The sound of him retching echoed the house and we all ran up after him. That's when we found him, sitting huddled on the floor. His knees were brought to his chest and his arms were wrapped tightly around them as he rocked back and forth.

I was shocked to see tears rolling down his cheeks. Then his muttering finally reached my ears.

"Please..." His voice choked, pleadingly.. "Leave me alone.. Just... LEAVE ME ALONE!" He screamed clinching his eyes shut tight and clutching his head tightly with both hands.

We were frozen and didn't know what to do. Heero was having a breakdown and we stood helpless.


	3. Chapter 2

I was staring up at the ceiling of my room. The guys had brought me to bed after what happened in the bathroom.

In my eyes I could see faceless people, all bloody and clothes ripped. They were standing next to the shuttle I had cut down.

I mistook it for an enemy shuttle when in fact it was full of civilians. The very people I had wanted to protect.

The guilt gnawed at me daily. I felt useless as I sat and relived my mistakes in my mind. The shuttle, the miscalculation that cost a young girl her life.

The war took everything from me and I took from others as well. I've killed mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins.

I've killed... I've murdered. I shudder at the word as tears prickle in the corners of my eyes.

I've been told it's time to move on from that. It was war and I had to do what was necessary for peace. But how does someone move on from that?

I can't just wash the blood from my hands. It'll always be there even though no one can see it anymore. I can though. I can feel it dripping from my finger tips.

I could feel it still. As if it were still fresh. Wet, warm and slick between my fingers. I wiped my hand across my chest, watching as it left a blood streaked hand print on the green fabric.

I looked all around me. In piles on the ground, were the bloody bodies of everyone I've ever killed. Their faces were blacked out and they were laying in pools of blood.

I could see one face clearly among the carnage. The little girls icey glare shook me to the core.

I shuddered, bringing myself back to reality. I was still crying. That much I was sure of. I could feel the wetness on my cheeks.

I don't want to remember anymore. I don't want to suffer with the guilt anymore. I don't want to live anymore.

I stood from my bed and walked with silent feet to the bathroom. I reached into the medicine cabinet and grabbed a razor blade and brought it smoothly across my wrist.

I smiled as the first drop of blood hit the tiled floor.


	4. Chapter 3

Trowa sat bedside, holding Heero's hand tightly in his. He was so scared when he saw him on the ground but he had to act quickly or the brother he only just found out he had would've died.

He thought back to how they discovered their relation to each other. Heero had gotten severely injured on a mission and had needed a blood transfusion.

All the pilots had offered to be tested. Sally Po ran the blood and found that Heero and Trowa had the same mother. Trowa had stared at her in shock as she hooked him up for the transfusion.

He had been the only match after all. Both he and Heero were o negative. When Heero had woken up Trowa told him what Sally had said.

The half Japanese had demanded another test and wanted to be present while it was being done. Trowa had agreed and watched with Heero.

When it once again showed the same results the two teenagers had started talking, trying to determine if the other remembered anything about their mother.

Catherine, whom Trowa already knew -after a DNA test when he was with the circus- was his sister had answered all their questions enthusiastically.

She of course was in tears having found out both of her younger brothers were alive. She told them about their mother and their real names and birthdays.

Heero was actually three years younger than Doctor J had been telling him and had in fact fought in the war at age 12 not 15.

Trowa allowed his mind to drift back to the present and looked down at his brother.

"Wake up, Odin Lowe Jr. Do you hear me? You better wake up." He whispered using his birth name.

The unconscious boy groaned and slowly began to open his eyes. In a hoarse voice (it happens after being out for two days from blood loss) "Is that an order, Trinton Bloom?"

Around the room, the other three ex-pilots heads snapped up and looked at Heero in relief.

"I'll go get Sally." Quatre said, standing and leaving the room.

The other two followed behind him, allowing the brothers some time to talk. They knew Trowa wanted to know why Heero would try and kill himself during these times of peace.

Heero sighed and explained that the war had been haunting him. He felt guilty and wanted out. He didn't want to live with the nightmares anymore.

After Sally deemed him healthy enough, they released Heero to Trowa.

"Here," she said handing him a business card. "Take him to see Noin. She became a counselor of sorts to the surviving soldiers."

"You mean a shrink?" Heero asked from behind Trowa as he crossed his arms. "I'll only talk to her if she comes to me. I won't go to her office." He then turned and walked off.

Trowa nodded and gave a quick thank you before following the others out to the car.

When they arrived at Quatre's mansion, Heero didn't hesitate, he went straight to his room and locked himself in, after the door was unlocked.

He sighed, plopping back onto his bed and looked at his calendar. School started back tomorrow. Since they found out his real age they've been forcing him to attend school.

The war ended three years ago. Heero was going on 15 now and would be starting ninth grade this year.

With another sigh he got up and walked downstairs. They hadn't even gone school shopping for him yet.

He got to the end of the stairs and stood there watching the others speak. Trowa looked up at him.

"Is something wrong?" He asked.

Heero gave a small nod. "School starts tomorrow. I don't have my supplies." He said.

It only took a few minutes for the five ex-pilots to load up in the car. They hadn't even taken their shoes off yet.

Heero seemed fine enough during the shopping trip. He was gotten a new bag, a zipper binder for each class (four in total) spiral notebooks and pencils and pens.

It wasn't until on the way out that Heero had another episode. He stared wide eyed at the crate on the truck bed. The sign read for sale: golden retriever puppies.

Though that wasn't what had Heero's heart rate and breathing pick up dramatically. In the center of the crate, surrounded by its hyper and happy brothers and sisters was a small unmoving puppy covered in black soot.

"Mary..." He muttered. With out thinking, Heero ran out towards the truck, darting in front of a moving car, nearly getting hit.

He opened the crate hastely as the guy yelled at him to back off. Heero didn't listen. He iatead grabbed out the broken puppy. "Mary.." He muttered again.

The puppy, that obviously wasn't Mary yipped and licked his face happily, bringing him out of his haze.

"Heero!" He heard the others yelling as they approached him. The concern was evident in their voices as they dropped down beside him where he fell to his knees clutching the puppy.

The little puppy yipped again, licking him over and over wagging its tail. Heero couldn't help the laugh that came up. He held the puppy up and noted that it was indeed a girl.

"Looks like she's taking a liking to you." Said the man, standing there in confusion and amusement at the same time.

Heero smiled a genuine smile at the man. "I like her too." He said chuckling as he was assaulted with more puppy kisses.

"How much for the one in his arms?" Quatre asked.

The man, after noting the teens bandaged wrists and the way the others eyed him with concern but relief, realized the boy was suffering through some hardships, had decided on what he would do.

"Tell ya what. If you can assure me that this pup will have a good home. You can take her free of charge." He said bending down and patting the puppies head.

Heero looked up happily and smiled to his brother and Quatre. "Is it really OK? Can I take Mary home?" He asked.

"Mary?" Duo asked raising an eyebrow.

"Hai. That's what I will name her." He said holding her up in to Duo. "She's cute, ne, Duo-Sama?" He giggled, smiling.

The others couldn't help but smile at Heero's happiness.

"Come along. We have to buy things for the little one." Quatre said.

Heero looked up. "Walmart won't let me bring her in." He frowned looking down at the bundle in his arms.

"I'll watch her for ya." The man said.

Heero shook his head. "I don't want to leave her again." It came out as barely a whisper but the pain behind those words was evident to even the stranger.

"Alright. You can wait for them here with me. Let little Mary have ond last chat with her siblings before she heads off to her new home."

Heero smiled up at the stranger and nodded.

"Don't you walk off from here, do you hear me?" Trowa said voice laced with concern as he watched the man hesitantly from the corner of his eyes... Eye.

"I won't. I'll be fine, Trinton. I promise."

Trowa nodded and the four ex-pilots went inside searching for puppy supplies.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

School the next day was uneventful. In each class the students stood and introduced themselves and we were given a list of extra supplies the teachers wanted us to have for their particular class.

I received many stares all through the day. After all, how many people walk around wearing long sleeve black pull over hoodies in the middle of summer.  
When the final bell rang, I grabbed my bag and headed towards the front of the school.

Trowa was already waiting. I could see him parked at the front. I heard people whispering around me as they watched me, the strange new kid that never talks unless made to.

I heard the words freak and emo as I got in the front passenger seat and buckled in.

"How was your first day?" Trowa asked me as we pulled off.

"Fine." I said.

Once home, I went straight to my room and laid across my bed. Noin will be here soon for my appointment so I opted to take a nap.

-

I sighed as Noin began asking more questions about my past. This was my third session with her and I was already tired of seeing her.

I stood and walked over to the window of the room we were in. I sat on the window bench and stared out.

I blinked my eyes shut tight and opened them. I gasped and my heart clenched in my chest. In the window was the little girl, her body and her little puppy by her side wrapped in an intense fire.

I could feel the heat and smell her flesh burning as I watched the skin blister and tear.

She screamed. "You did this!"

And I screamed with her, jumping back, my body hitting the floor as I clutched my head tightly. Tears fell from my eyes that were shut so tightly it hurt.

"No no no. My fault. Mine. No no no." I heard myself muttering. My voice sounded distant to even my own ears as I felt a pair of thin arms wrap around me.

"Heero..." Noin's voice was soft and far away as I continued to cry and whimper with pleading no's. "It's all right. You're fine."

'Yes,' I thought. 'I'm fine but that girl I killed isn't.' I saw her burning before me in my memories once again and found myself crying out.

I wrapped my arms around Noin's neck and cried into her shoulder. "I killed her! I killed that little girl and her puppy!" I wailed as she held me tight.

I could sense the others in the room, watching and hesitant to approach. Eventually, my cries dulled to sniffles and I began to feel tired.

I curled closer into the only comforting feeling of warmth I could find. Noin, of course, and feel asleep.

-

I was in the cockpit of my gundam but instead I was looking at myself from over my own shoulder.

I watched as I locked onto my acquired target. A shuttle. One that I was informed was OZ and Alliance.

My eyes widened and I moved my hands to the controls to stop myself but they just passed through me.

'NO!' My mind screamed as the shuttle blew up. "No no no..."

"NOOOO!" I could feel my scream ripping through my throat as I sat bolt upright in bed. My chest heaved and I could feel the sweat pouring down my face and over my body.

The lights in my room switched on and I looked up to see the concerned faces of my brother and friends.

Wufei looked from me to Trowa and nodded. Quatre and Duo both gave me small sad smiles and walked out behind Wufei.

Trowa closed the door behind him as he stepped into my. "Heero... What little girl?" He asked.

My face scrunched in pain and I clutched my chest where I could feel the guilt tearing away at my insides. I shook my head at him.

"Heero.." He gave me his own death glare with the eye I could see and I sighed.

Leaning back against my headboard I told him about my miscalculation that caused the mobile doll to fall on the building.

I told him about in the park earlier that same day and watching her enter the building.

I told him how I found her puppy and a small burnt shoe. As I told him I cried and he held to me tightly petting my hair.

"Shh, shh, it wasn't your fault. It was an accident. You didn't know that would happen." He said.

I pushed away from him suddenly angry. He looked at me in surprise.

"You don't get to say that because you weren't there! I was! I was the perfect soldier and I SHOULD have known!" I spat at him.

Trowa sighed and looked down at his hands. "We've all done things in the war we aren't proud of. Civilian casualties are unavoidable in war. Accidents and miscalculation a happen. You..."

I cut him off. "You!" I sneered at him. "Didn't see and talk to a little girl that was only concerned for you and then kill her a few hours later!" I screamed at him.

Treats prickled the corners of my eyes as I pushed him back half heartedly. It didn't even phase him.

"I wasn't there, Heero, but I can tell you that I know it hurts but you have to forgive yourself. It was an accident." Trowa paused and I sniffled wiping my face.

He ran a thumb over my cheek then pulled back my covers. "Come on. Back to bed with you. You have school in the morning..." He stopped. "Unless you don't want to go today."

I laid down and let him cover me back up as he spoke. I sighed and shook my head. "No. I'll go."

I wanted to get out of the house as soon as I could. I looked at the clock. Two more hours until I have to be up and dressed.

Trowa nodded and wished me a good night before he left. He flicked off my light and shut the door behind him.

For the next two hours all I did was stare at the red numbers of my alarm clock.


	6. Chapter 5

~Chapter 5~

I had been pushed too many times at school today and had finally lashed out at one of the school bullies.

That wasn't the problem though as I sat in the office in handcuffs with the police there.

When that boy hit me the first time I saw red and thought I was in danger. Maybe at an OZ base or something and attacked him as if he was a soldier.

My jaw and chin were bruised badly from his hit and my lip was bleeding. He only the other hand had two very angry hand shaped bruises around his neck.

"I hit him first." I heard him rasp out plainly. I was surprised with his honesty even though it was obvious as my face was still swelling.

The police decided that I just need to calm down in their 24 hour holding cell but they have to wait for my guardian to get here before they can take me anywhere.

Have five minutes of grueling silence, the office door opened. Only instead of my brother Quatre stood there in all his princely glory.

The Winner heir walked over to the principal and smiled at her. "My husband couldn't make it so I'm here as a stand in for Trowa." He said.

"Why where is Trowa?" Everyone other than Quatre looked at me like I had a second head. I never talked here, ever not since I was forces to do my introductions in every class the first day.

"He has a case." Quatre said finally turning to me. "He hit you?"

I nodded at Quatre. He looked to the teenager. "And you choked him?" He questioned eyeing his neck.

Quatre now stood directly in front of me. "I.. I saw red. I thought... I though I was back in the war."

Quatre tensed up and his eyes hardened to make his extreme concern. "I'm taking you him. Uncuff him." He told the officer

The officer made no move to comply. "Sir, we have to hold him for twenty four hours." He said.

Quatre turned and glared at the officer. "I own the police station in the jurisdiction. He is my brother in law and as such is part of the Winner family. You will release him now." Quatre hissed at him.

I shuddered. I hope he doesn't go Zero, I thought to myself. The officer moved up to me and reached behind my back. I felt the cuffs give way around my wrists.

They felt tender and I winced when I rubbed them to try and sooth them. Quatre noticed. "Let me see." He said taking my left wrist gently in his hand.

As he pulled my arm towards him the sleeve of my hoodie slipped up and revealed my scared wrists.

The stitches are out and they're still healing and the puckered pink lines are very noticeable.

Everyone else in the room gasped. The teenager freaked. "Omg dude! Are you seriously that screwed up in the head?!" He shouted. He winced at his sore throat.

I yanked my arm back and glared at him. "You would be too if you've seen death and been tortured and abused all your life!" I yelled before quickly leaving out the door.

I heard Quatre shout my name but I ignored him and walked to the car. The driver opened the door for me and I got in.

Quatre was right behind me on his cell phone. "Noin, can you meet us at the house?... Yes, I do believe Heero needs an early session..."

I chose then to block him out. I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes. The chilled glass helped to sooth me and I drifted off to sleep.

-dream-

"Damn, brat! Kill her!" Doctor J thundered at the smaller version of me.

I stood off to the side and watched my nine year old self stubbornly refuse to do as ordered. "No way! She didn't do anything wrong!"

"Your mission was to kill the girl and you failed! You're too emotional!" J ripped the small me up to him by my hair and threw me into the other room.

I heard him bark some orders out before three very large me entered the room.

It was time to be punished and I knew what was coming. I gulped and backed further against wall shaking and terrified. They yanked up the small me and punched him repeatedly before ripping off the clothes and pushing the nine year old to the floor.

'No!' The big me yelled. But they couldn't hear me. Couldn't see me and I watched and cried at the memory of myself being beaten and raped.

I screamed and jolted awake just as we pulled into the drive way. Quatre looked at me in deep concern clutching his chest. He was pale and sweaty.

I knew his empathic abilities picked up on my emotions. His space heart was aching with mine.

"Please..." I begged. "Don't tell Trowa."

(A/N: I know its short but I needed to get something up here for my readers! More memories are surfacing and more to come! How will Heero handle it as everything begins to pour out at him all at once!?)


End file.
